*I bet my grandma would laugh at this
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Stone Johnson Cooks Phish?
We're running another Stone Johnson cut today. I'm not sure he knows the difference between Phish and Fish Sticks but he does like the doobie smokin. Along with a tape recorder it appears he also owns a guitar with at least 4 strings. Life is good for Ole' Stone...
Where da Cookies?
Through my travels I've met more than a few interesting people. Today you get to meet one of them. Stone Johnson is a fellow I met somewhere around New Orleans though I'm pretty sure he is originally from Jersey if not Mars. Not knowing if Stone is literate much less if he owns a computer I sent him a tape recorder, pizza coupons and a note that simply read, "Start Talking." What came out of his mouth makes me believe that the Mayan's are right and we could very well be nearing the end...
*I swear this isn't my voice
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Let's Help Others for Lint
While perusing Facebook this morning I noticed it to be Ash Wednesday. At first I thought this was just a clever thing my friend Ashley came up with to celebrate her birthday but the closer I looked in to it I noticed this has been around for a couple of years at least.
Looking further in to it I realize people are giving up luxurious items in the form of Lint. I know, it sounded weird to me at first too but by my 3rd cup of coffee this morning I was on board! So I came up with this great idea to help others in the process. For the next 40 days we are going to collect all the lint from our dryers and turn it in to clothing for the homeless.
My friend Will has graciously volunteered to help us out and with him being a Grand Master Tailor on World of Warcraft I expect nothing but great things from him!
Please send all Lint to:
Will Barrett
4045 George Busbee Pkwy
Apt 13304
Kennesaw, GA 30144
*To read about the true meaning of Lent click here.
As Always please follow us on Twitter.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Who's the Boss?
It's a Hard Knock Life...
Most of the people in my office are out of town this week for various reasons. As luck would have it that makes me "Boss" by default! So for my first order of business I changed our hours to open earlier in the day and didn't tell anyone. I followed that up by firing a shipping guy who was late. Fair or not it set an example to the rest of the crew and things have been moving smoothly ever since.
My second order of business was to balance the lunch budget. My company is very generous and buys lunch for its employees daily but sometimes it can get out of hand. To remedy this we had Chinese today and five people ate for $36. Not bad, but considering $36 could feed 500 people in China it's not good either and I plan to get it even lower tomorrow.
Finally to cut out Overtime for the people that did make it to work on time this morning I have unplugged the time clock. This will show up as 8 hours of work but they will really be doing 12.
Tomorrow I plan to tackle World Peace if my co-workers ever untie me from this chair...
Be sure to follow us on Twitter @DontBeRough
Monday, February 13, 2012
I Mean I'm Kinda Half Way Almost Back for Real Now!
Four years ago on my 31st birthday I started a blog like everybody else on the internet. This was before Twitter blew up and Myspace was more popular than Facebook. Some of it was good and some of it was shit but either way you people read it. Four years later there is a lot more to do on the web but with Internet Poker going away for a while and the fact my readers probably only need to watch 90 seconds of Internet Porn to be satisfied I think there is still room for DontBeRough.com
My Birthday Cake from my Awesome Color Blind Girlfriend
(It's suppose to be Red for Valentines but it's...Orange)
In the last four years I've met a boat load of people that I would believe are fictional if I hadn't seen them with my own eyes. All the way from Atlanta to Vegas and many stops in between some people I still interact with daily and I swear they can't be real. While I may not be as wild and crazy as I use to be I somehow still attract these people to my life.
This site is going to change from what it is today to what I envisioned it to be many years ago. I've realized I can't do this on my own so I've enlisted a few of the nuts I've met along the way to help entertain you. You will meet them over time and I can only hope they are tame enough not to get this site banned in China...
Be sure to check us out on Twitter @DontBeRough
(Note: You can simply type in DontBeRough.com in to your browser and access the site)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
A Little Tease
I've decided to fire this site back up. I'm not going to update it daily but I will update it when the mood strikes. Kind of like those Cialis comercials you should just go ahead and book mark this so you will be ready when the mood strikes me...
Read it in a tub on top of a mountain if you like
Read it in a tub on top of a mountain if you likeActually your best bet is to follow me on Twitter at https://twitter.com/DontBeRough
I will update that more often with thoughts that pop in to my head. Those who know me already know that can and will lead to variety of topics.
A lot has happened in the past year and I will eventually get around to writing about most of it. The next few posts will play out like Pulp Fiction and you won't know where it's all leading until it hits you in the face like a tangled ball of of rubber bands.
Check out some of the older posts if you have never been here before or if you want to relieve some of the stupidness.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Dirty Jobs..Atlanta Edition
Mike Rowe...I feel your pain
Have any of you seen the movie American Beauty? The opening scene has a voice over from Kevin Spacey that goes like this, "Look at me, jerking off in the shower - this will be the high point of my day. It's all downhill from here."
I know what that man means!
The following story takes place on July 1st, 2009 in Atlanta, Ga. I can only imagine Death Valley California and the surface of the sun being warmer places to work. I initially met with the company under the understanding this was a sales position for a linen company. I was assured it was a good gig and not as "gay" as it sounded. By linens we are talking about napkins, table clothes, chef coats, etc, for restaurants and hotels. Not doilies that Robby and Harry buy to decorate their cottage.
After three interviews with the company I was hired but the sales job had now turned in to a management position after they realized I have experience working with "ethnic groups" in the construction world. Look at me! I've already been promoted! The phrase,"Check out the big brain on Brad!", from Pulp Fiction kept going through my head for some reason.
So I leave my apartment around 7:50 in the morning and roll in to work just after 8:30. A 40 minute commute to start the morning is what I always dreamed about when I was a little boy.
I get to the office and the lights are off in the main room but I see my boss Regina in her office just off to the side. It looks like she has just woken up and she informs me that one of the drivers called in sick and this is going to make the whole day hectic. I think how bad can it be? Surely a driver has called in sick to work before. This isn't a start up business and there should be a procedure for cases like this.
The main problem is some items have to get to Turner Field before noon and they have nobody to take them. They call their back up driver a few times, Julio, but he will not answer his phone. I get the feeling he knows why they are calling him. When they finally get in touch with him he agrees to come in but it sounds like he has just woken up and isn't pleased. While waiting for Julio to arrive they give me a lilttle background on him. Julio use to be a full time driver for them but he doesn't have his license anymore. They don't really seem to care about that little detail and still send him out on the road whenever they need to. The problem is you need a picture ID to get in to Turner Field for deliveries. I guess they think somebody wants to kidnap Chipper Jones, I don't know. Regina tells me that I need to ride with Julio down to the stadium and make one more stop then come back.
It's funny all the places I went had something to do with my past. It's like they were filming a reality show based on the movie "Scrooged" and I was costarring with Ghost of Christmas Past. To quote a friend of mine, "This shit just writes itself."
So we load the truck up with a few things then take off to Buckhead. When Julio gets in the truck he says a few Hail Mary's then puts his seat belt on. He turns the radio on with the station preset to Viva 105.3 or whatever the Mexican station is. Riding down the road I notice there are two Mexican songs playing but I'm not sure why. After a few seconds I figure that he has a Mexican ringer on his phone that is going off. I make a Dunaway joke to myself and laugh. "Vamanos!"
The first stop is at The Mansion and it's at the location of the old Art Institute of Atlanta which is the reason I am in Atlanta in the first place. I didn't think anything of it at the time but God must have been chuckling about it all and the day he had in store for me. We make the stop, drop off the linens and pick up the dirty ones. It's a relatively new place with an underground loading area and things are clean and easy to maneuver. We go to leave and Julio tells me I have to drive the truck. This is a 30 foot box truck the likes of which I have never driven or wanted to drive before and he expects me to drive in Downtown Atlanta like I am on a back road in Madison. I can't imagine why he doesn't have his license anymore. I realize people drive larger trucks every day right through Atlanta and also Doctors can look at the guts of a dying person laying on a table. They were born for that and I don't claim to be either.
For some reason Julio thinks they have hired me as a driver and that I have done this kind of thing before. I didn't have the heart to tell him they are training me to be his boss and I was also scared he may pull a blade on me. Julio keeps driving and we get to Turner field where he talks his way in some how without an ID. The Braves security staff is about as top notch as their 3rd Basemen it seems. We have to deliver things to the 755 Club but we are parked on the other side of the stadium. We only have one cart to take up and Julio takes it so I'm just walking enjoying the view figuring I would run in to Brian McCann eating a hot dog or snow cone.
We get up to the 755 Club and I make a comment that I hadn't been in there since I dated a girl who worked there during college. Then we go back to the kitchen to drop off napkins and pick up the dirty ones. This was my first dry heave of the day when I see the pile of 2 week old napkins with flies all over them right in the kitchen. If you know me you know I have a weak stomach that is second only to Robby's. Actually it wasn't so much seeing the flies that did it but when I had to pick up the bags of dirty napkins with flies on them is when I started gagging. We had to make several trips across the stadium to get everything and of course my cart had a gimp wheel which made it twice as hard to push.
By this time it's 11:45 and I'm thinking the day is half over and this isn't so bad. Julio is rough because he was called in to work on his day off and tells me that we have to run the normal route when we get back to the office. We get back and unload then reload about 9 carts then take off again. Julio is in a bad mood and tells me we probably won't be done until 9 pm but I figured he was just joking. Silly me. He says we are stopping at QT which is music to my ears and I forget about the flies and dry heaves for a minute and get 2 taquitos, a 32 oz tea and a donut. Total cost $3.51. Life is good once again!
We head back to Buckhead and I am wanting a nap by the time I finish the last of the donut. I forget where we went to on the next few stops but I was sweating and gagging at each of them some worse than the others. I remember I got a refill on my 32 oz drink at two of the stops though. Total fluid intake for the day is 96 oz and I don't have to use the bathroom yet.
Seems some of these restaurants keep their dirty linens outside in the heat and rain so bugs can get in them and eat the 2 week old food. We go to one place, Eclipse de Luna right off Piedmont and right beside Atlanta kick. I've gone out with two girls who work for Atlanta Kick and figured I would run in to them with the way my day has been going but luckily I didn't. This is the place I lost part of my lunch because the bugs and stench were so bad. The best way to describe the smell is that of rotting fish and old peaches. Julio actually laughed at me and told me just to hold the cart while he threw the stuff in it. Of course some of it got on me and I gagged more...
Somewhere around this time is when Julio lights up his first cigarette and asks if it bothers me. I of course lie and tell him I'm fine with it but decline his offer to smoke one with him although it is tempting after the day I've had so far.
We keep going up Piedmont until we are sitting at a red light with the Gold Spa on my right. I had just read online that a security guard just got shot and killed there over the weekend but they are still open for business. I consider that guy to be luckier than me at the moment.
The next stop is Ansley Golf Club right by the pool where we park in a no parking zone. (I took a picture of this) I think this is the point I sent out an email that simply said, "Shit." I had met this cougar a while back who is a member there and has invited me to the pool countless times but I never took her up on the offer. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to run in to her since the last time I had spoken to her she referred to me as "Asshole."
Julio said since he didn't have a license he didn't have to obey parking signs.
This is also the first place of the day where the manager who has to sign the packing list gets rough. He complains that we are late and then doesn't believe that we have brought everything on the packing list because the other guy never does. Of course we have already stored everything in the closet and mixed it with the linens they already had. I got the idea that this manager was talking to Julio like he was only because Julio is Mexican. Luckily Julio is like Rain Man when it comes to linens and remembers exactly how many linens we had brought in and where we put it. It was 2 carts full and probably 200 items.
We leave there after pushing the carts full of dirty linen up a hill that can best be described as the hill that Douglass Phelps grandmother use to live on in Madison. Harry and Robby can tell you that is the steepest hill in Madison and the most fun when it snows. On the way up the hill I repositioned myself behind one of the carts trying not be seen by the Cougar. It's like God is playing Frogger with my soul at this point.
The next stop is Willy's in Midtown and there are nothing but gay people sitting around drinking and eating tacos. It's like I was getting violated with their eyes as soon as I stepped out of the truck but I put my sunglasses on tried to make the most of it. I even got a cat call from group of black dudes. (This reminds me, who wants to go see Bruno with me? I have free tickets.)
The next couple of stops were all about the same with me sweating a lot more and getting more discouraged by the stop. I guess I should point out that I was told to wear jeans and Julio was wearing shorts. I had a pair of gloves that are cotton with red latex on the palms so that you can grip things better. These gloves also keep the sweat and funk inside the gloves and Julio didn't take his off all day. I just gagged again thinking about that again. I would take mine off at each stop and try to air them out on the dash board so that my fingers didn't look like prunes. The fire from Julio's cigarette must have dried his out through out the day.
OJ Simpson's gloves
I guess around 5:30 pm Julio says we only have 4 more stops and they should be quick. He says this as we are sitting still on 75/85 and I wonder if he sees the irony in that statement. We are on the road where a parking deck collapsed a few days earlier and traffic is all backed up but I can see the Cheetah right in front of us. I am praying that Julio has been holding out on me and that we are going there to make a delivery as a surprise to me. Surely the producers of my fake reality show aren't this cruel?
Instead we go to this place in midtown and change out their mats but the ones we brought to change are different than the ones we are picking up. This makes the owner/manager/whore/bitch angry and she says she is going to call somebody about it. Be my guest lady! This was one of those trendy places and she was coked out of her mind and thought she was a lot hotter than she actually was. Her little helpers who remind me of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz got rough because we were late and wanted to know why? My first day on the job and I am taking heat from an assistant to the assistant of some over priced trendy establishment for somebody else's mistakes. AWESOME!
We make the rest of the stops and only one other Owner gets rough about us being late. In fairness to him he wasn't too bad and by this point it's around 6:30 pm and people are there for happy hour so I can see why he would need his stuff.
We head back to the office up I-85 which was to my surprise moving at a decent pace and get back just in time to unload the trucks. I figure we would just roll the 9 full carts off the truck and let somebody else deal with it. Wrong! This was the worst part of the day and it came at the end of it which makes it even worse. We had to unload the carts from the truck then unload each bag by hand in to a pile. I can't do it justice by talking about these bags without you seeing and smelling them for yourself. Some are cloth bags, some are garbage bags and some are just loose napkins. But imagine these things weighing between 40-70 pounds depending on how wet they are and how much shit is in them. Then having to bend over in to the 5 foot bins to pick them out.
The bags that were tied and heavy were nothing compared to the busted bags that smelled like dead animals and rotting fruit. I really have no desire to eat at any of these places I went to now that I have seen their kitchens. For the next few days I will only eat at places that have paper napkins or serve food in a bag out of a window.
As we are tossing the bags Regina walks out laughing asking how it went and they figured I would quit. They say that the first day is always the hardest which goes against everything job/first day of school I have ever been associated with. They ask me what I think and all I could say is that I will sleep well. Then they ask what size shirt I wear and I tell them XL knowing that I would never put one of those shirts on in my life.
I finally head home around 8 pm I guess a full 12 hours from when I had left my house that morning. I wasn't hungry at all and the thought of food made me sick to my stomach but I pulled in to the one place that serves me comfort food...Taco Bell. To make all the bad thoughts go away I ordered 3 crunchy tacos, 3 soft tacos and a large sweat tea. I had 2 Teas just waiting for my food and drank 3 total.
I did the math and figured I had 172 oz of fluid during the day which comes to roughly 11 pounds not including the tacos, toquitos and donut. When I woke up yesterday I weighed 241 pounds and when I got home after eating and drinking all that I weighed 234 pounds.
I can safely say that was the 3rd best shower I have ever taken in my life. The Best was after the Home Run Derby during the All Star game where we walked a few miles after standing in the rain all night. I also had a serious case of stomach cramps after eating an ungodly amount of hot dogs and buffalo wings to go along the worst chaffing that I have ever had. The second best shower was after hooking up with a girl who scared me to death and I scrubbed myself for a good 30 minutes like I had battery acid all over me. I survived the first two so I knew I would be ok after this day.
I've worked in water tanks at the lower tip of Texas in August in 120 degree heat, I've driven a bulldozer in the woods and run over hornet nests and I've helped empty septic tanks in the summer but none of those jobs were as bad as this. Well the septic tank deal was bad but it only lasted an hour.
Originally this was a sales job but when they saw that I have management experience with Mexicans they wanted to use me for that. It's just not something I want to do and I would rather be poor than miserable every day of my life.
I emailed Regina the following morning and told her I wouldn't be back. She responded by saying she "totally understands" and hopes to run in to me in the future.
God only knows where...
*Please note this is the PG version of the story. For a full uncensored version of the story please check out my book coming out in the Fall of 2010.
I know what that man means!
The following story takes place on July 1st, 2009 in Atlanta, Ga. I can only imagine Death Valley California and the surface of the sun being warmer places to work. I initially met with the company under the understanding this was a sales position for a linen company. I was assured it was a good gig and not as "gay" as it sounded. By linens we are talking about napkins, table clothes, chef coats, etc, for restaurants and hotels. Not doilies that Robby and Harry buy to decorate their cottage.
After three interviews with the company I was hired but the sales job had now turned in to a management position after they realized I have experience working with "ethnic groups" in the construction world. Look at me! I've already been promoted! The phrase,"Check out the big brain on Brad!", from Pulp Fiction kept going through my head for some reason.
So I leave my apartment around 7:50 in the morning and roll in to work just after 8:30. A 40 minute commute to start the morning is what I always dreamed about when I was a little boy.
I get to the office and the lights are off in the main room but I see my boss Regina in her office just off to the side. It looks like she has just woken up and she informs me that one of the drivers called in sick and this is going to make the whole day hectic. I think how bad can it be? Surely a driver has called in sick to work before. This isn't a start up business and there should be a procedure for cases like this.
The main problem is some items have to get to Turner Field before noon and they have nobody to take them. They call their back up driver a few times, Julio, but he will not answer his phone. I get the feeling he knows why they are calling him. When they finally get in touch with him he agrees to come in but it sounds like he has just woken up and isn't pleased. While waiting for Julio to arrive they give me a lilttle background on him. Julio use to be a full time driver for them but he doesn't have his license anymore. They don't really seem to care about that little detail and still send him out on the road whenever they need to. The problem is you need a picture ID to get in to Turner Field for deliveries. I guess they think somebody wants to kidnap Chipper Jones, I don't know. Regina tells me that I need to ride with Julio down to the stadium and make one more stop then come back.
It's funny all the places I went had something to do with my past. It's like they were filming a reality show based on the movie "Scrooged" and I was costarring with Ghost of Christmas Past. To quote a friend of mine, "This shit just writes itself."
So we load the truck up with a few things then take off to Buckhead. When Julio gets in the truck he says a few Hail Mary's then puts his seat belt on. He turns the radio on with the station preset to Viva 105.3 or whatever the Mexican station is. Riding down the road I notice there are two Mexican songs playing but I'm not sure why. After a few seconds I figure that he has a Mexican ringer on his phone that is going off. I make a Dunaway joke to myself and laugh. "Vamanos!"
The first stop is at The Mansion and it's at the location of the old Art Institute of Atlanta which is the reason I am in Atlanta in the first place. I didn't think anything of it at the time but God must have been chuckling about it all and the day he had in store for me. We make the stop, drop off the linens and pick up the dirty ones. It's a relatively new place with an underground loading area and things are clean and easy to maneuver. We go to leave and Julio tells me I have to drive the truck. This is a 30 foot box truck the likes of which I have never driven or wanted to drive before and he expects me to drive in Downtown Atlanta like I am on a back road in Madison. I can't imagine why he doesn't have his license anymore. I realize people drive larger trucks every day right through Atlanta and also Doctors can look at the guts of a dying person laying on a table. They were born for that and I don't claim to be either.
For some reason Julio thinks they have hired me as a driver and that I have done this kind of thing before. I didn't have the heart to tell him they are training me to be his boss and I was also scared he may pull a blade on me. Julio keeps driving and we get to Turner field where he talks his way in some how without an ID. The Braves security staff is about as top notch as their 3rd Basemen it seems. We have to deliver things to the 755 Club but we are parked on the other side of the stadium. We only have one cart to take up and Julio takes it so I'm just walking enjoying the view figuring I would run in to Brian McCann eating a hot dog or snow cone.
We get up to the 755 Club and I make a comment that I hadn't been in there since I dated a girl who worked there during college. Then we go back to the kitchen to drop off napkins and pick up the dirty ones. This was my first dry heave of the day when I see the pile of 2 week old napkins with flies all over them right in the kitchen. If you know me you know I have a weak stomach that is second only to Robby's. Actually it wasn't so much seeing the flies that did it but when I had to pick up the bags of dirty napkins with flies on them is when I started gagging. We had to make several trips across the stadium to get everything and of course my cart had a gimp wheel which made it twice as hard to push.
By this time it's 11:45 and I'm thinking the day is half over and this isn't so bad. Julio is rough because he was called in to work on his day off and tells me that we have to run the normal route when we get back to the office. We get back and unload then reload about 9 carts then take off again. Julio is in a bad mood and tells me we probably won't be done until 9 pm but I figured he was just joking. Silly me. He says we are stopping at QT which is music to my ears and I forget about the flies and dry heaves for a minute and get 2 taquitos, a 32 oz tea and a donut. Total cost $3.51. Life is good once again!
We head back to Buckhead and I am wanting a nap by the time I finish the last of the donut. I forget where we went to on the next few stops but I was sweating and gagging at each of them some worse than the others. I remember I got a refill on my 32 oz drink at two of the stops though. Total fluid intake for the day is 96 oz and I don't have to use the bathroom yet.
Seems some of these restaurants keep their dirty linens outside in the heat and rain so bugs can get in them and eat the 2 week old food. We go to one place, Eclipse de Luna right off Piedmont and right beside Atlanta kick. I've gone out with two girls who work for Atlanta Kick and figured I would run in to them with the way my day has been going but luckily I didn't. This is the place I lost part of my lunch because the bugs and stench were so bad. The best way to describe the smell is that of rotting fish and old peaches. Julio actually laughed at me and told me just to hold the cart while he threw the stuff in it. Of course some of it got on me and I gagged more...
Somewhere around this time is when Julio lights up his first cigarette and asks if it bothers me. I of course lie and tell him I'm fine with it but decline his offer to smoke one with him although it is tempting after the day I've had so far.
We keep going up Piedmont until we are sitting at a red light with the Gold Spa on my right. I had just read online that a security guard just got shot and killed there over the weekend but they are still open for business. I consider that guy to be luckier than me at the moment.
The next stop is Ansley Golf Club right by the pool where we park in a no parking zone. (I took a picture of this) I think this is the point I sent out an email that simply said, "Shit." I had met this cougar a while back who is a member there and has invited me to the pool countless times but I never took her up on the offer. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to run in to her since the last time I had spoken to her she referred to me as "Asshole."
Julio said since he didn't have a license he didn't have to obey parking signs.This is also the first place of the day where the manager who has to sign the packing list gets rough. He complains that we are late and then doesn't believe that we have brought everything on the packing list because the other guy never does. Of course we have already stored everything in the closet and mixed it with the linens they already had. I got the idea that this manager was talking to Julio like he was only because Julio is Mexican. Luckily Julio is like Rain Man when it comes to linens and remembers exactly how many linens we had brought in and where we put it. It was 2 carts full and probably 200 items.
We leave there after pushing the carts full of dirty linen up a hill that can best be described as the hill that Douglass Phelps grandmother use to live on in Madison. Harry and Robby can tell you that is the steepest hill in Madison and the most fun when it snows. On the way up the hill I repositioned myself behind one of the carts trying not be seen by the Cougar. It's like God is playing Frogger with my soul at this point.
The next stop is Willy's in Midtown and there are nothing but gay people sitting around drinking and eating tacos. It's like I was getting violated with their eyes as soon as I stepped out of the truck but I put my sunglasses on tried to make the most of it. I even got a cat call from group of black dudes. (This reminds me, who wants to go see Bruno with me? I have free tickets.)
The next couple of stops were all about the same with me sweating a lot more and getting more discouraged by the stop. I guess I should point out that I was told to wear jeans and Julio was wearing shorts. I had a pair of gloves that are cotton with red latex on the palms so that you can grip things better. These gloves also keep the sweat and funk inside the gloves and Julio didn't take his off all day. I just gagged again thinking about that again. I would take mine off at each stop and try to air them out on the dash board so that my fingers didn't look like prunes. The fire from Julio's cigarette must have dried his out through out the day.
OJ Simpson's glovesI guess around 5:30 pm Julio says we only have 4 more stops and they should be quick. He says this as we are sitting still on 75/85 and I wonder if he sees the irony in that statement. We are on the road where a parking deck collapsed a few days earlier and traffic is all backed up but I can see the Cheetah right in front of us. I am praying that Julio has been holding out on me and that we are going there to make a delivery as a surprise to me. Surely the producers of my fake reality show aren't this cruel?
Instead we go to this place in midtown and change out their mats but the ones we brought to change are different than the ones we are picking up. This makes the owner/manager/whore/bitch angry and she says she is going to call somebody about it. Be my guest lady! This was one of those trendy places and she was coked out of her mind and thought she was a lot hotter than she actually was. Her little helpers who remind me of the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz got rough because we were late and wanted to know why? My first day on the job and I am taking heat from an assistant to the assistant of some over priced trendy establishment for somebody else's mistakes. AWESOME!
We make the rest of the stops and only one other Owner gets rough about us being late. In fairness to him he wasn't too bad and by this point it's around 6:30 pm and people are there for happy hour so I can see why he would need his stuff.
We head back to the office up I-85 which was to my surprise moving at a decent pace and get back just in time to unload the trucks. I figure we would just roll the 9 full carts off the truck and let somebody else deal with it. Wrong! This was the worst part of the day and it came at the end of it which makes it even worse. We had to unload the carts from the truck then unload each bag by hand in to a pile. I can't do it justice by talking about these bags without you seeing and smelling them for yourself. Some are cloth bags, some are garbage bags and some are just loose napkins. But imagine these things weighing between 40-70 pounds depending on how wet they are and how much shit is in them. Then having to bend over in to the 5 foot bins to pick them out.
The bags that were tied and heavy were nothing compared to the busted bags that smelled like dead animals and rotting fruit. I really have no desire to eat at any of these places I went to now that I have seen their kitchens. For the next few days I will only eat at places that have paper napkins or serve food in a bag out of a window.
As we are tossing the bags Regina walks out laughing asking how it went and they figured I would quit. They say that the first day is always the hardest which goes against everything job/first day of school I have ever been associated with. They ask me what I think and all I could say is that I will sleep well. Then they ask what size shirt I wear and I tell them XL knowing that I would never put one of those shirts on in my life.
I finally head home around 8 pm I guess a full 12 hours from when I had left my house that morning. I wasn't hungry at all and the thought of food made me sick to my stomach but I pulled in to the one place that serves me comfort food...Taco Bell. To make all the bad thoughts go away I ordered 3 crunchy tacos, 3 soft tacos and a large sweat tea. I had 2 Teas just waiting for my food and drank 3 total.
I did the math and figured I had 172 oz of fluid during the day which comes to roughly 11 pounds not including the tacos, toquitos and donut. When I woke up yesterday I weighed 241 pounds and when I got home after eating and drinking all that I weighed 234 pounds.
I can safely say that was the 3rd best shower I have ever taken in my life. The Best was after the Home Run Derby during the All Star game where we walked a few miles after standing in the rain all night. I also had a serious case of stomach cramps after eating an ungodly amount of hot dogs and buffalo wings to go along the worst chaffing that I have ever had. The second best shower was after hooking up with a girl who scared me to death and I scrubbed myself for a good 30 minutes like I had battery acid all over me. I survived the first two so I knew I would be ok after this day.
I've worked in water tanks at the lower tip of Texas in August in 120 degree heat, I've driven a bulldozer in the woods and run over hornet nests and I've helped empty septic tanks in the summer but none of those jobs were as bad as this. Well the septic tank deal was bad but it only lasted an hour.
Originally this was a sales job but when they saw that I have management experience with Mexicans they wanted to use me for that. It's just not something I want to do and I would rather be poor than miserable every day of my life.
I emailed Regina the following morning and told her I wouldn't be back. She responded by saying she "totally understands" and hopes to run in to me in the future.
God only knows where...
*Please note this is the PG version of the story. For a full uncensored version of the story please check out my book coming out in the Fall of 2010.
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